


How Can Heaven Love Me?

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:44:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5482133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How can Castiel, an angel, love someone, someTHING like Sam?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam was forbidden fruit. The demon blood, his supposedly evil and corrupted soul. Yet, the most beautiful human Castiel had ever layed eyes on. Good at heart, and the angel knew it.  
First, it was the order to raise Dean from Hell. That poor, tattered soul. Being exposed to Dean and his words taught Castiel empathy, made him care what happened to Dean and how he felt. Then he met Sam, who he swore to “stop” if he kept up the demon blood. He’d felt a strange vibe from the man, something evil buried deep inside, under all that good.  
Sure, Dean was why he was sent back up to Heaven, but Cas felt something for Sam as well. With Dean, the two were connected because of orders to rescue him. With Sam, however, Castiel was afraid of what lie inside the man, and afraid of the odd feeling the angel felt within himself. It was something he’d never felt before. His exposure to humans was allowing him to develop emotions.  
Sam started the apocalypse. This alone should have been enough to end Castiel’s strange feelings toward the man, but no. He still cared, still worried about both of the brothers. He watched Sam struggle, and wished he could do something to help when he saw the younger Winchester cry into his pillow as he stayed up late at night, as he considered ending it all only to remember that Lucifer would only bring him back.  
“I’m sorry,” Castiel whispered, though he didn’t know what he was sorry for.

Dean had no idea Sam was suffering. Castiel did, however. The angel showed up in the brother’s motel room, right next to Sam as he exited the bathroom.  
“Cas,” Sam jumped, “What are you doing here?”  
“I need your advice,” The angel said.  
“MY advice?” Sam raised an eyebrow.  
“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, “Maybe I shouldn’t have come here.”  
“No,” Sam said, “No, it’s…it’s fine. What did you need?”  
“I am beginning to feel human-like emotions,” The angel began, “For you, specifically.”  
Sam gulped. “What kind of feelings?”  
“A strange warmth, but only in your presence, or when I think of you.”  
The hunter ran back into the bathroom and slammed the door. How could an ANGEL love him? How could Castiel, or anyone, love Sam, the freak vampire with demon blood? More importantly, does he feel the same? He supposed the feeling was mutual, that he loved the angel just the same. But the vessel, Jimmy, is male. Of course, Sam didn’t have a problem that, though it wasn’t a topic he spoke about openly with anyone, Dean included.  
“Sam?” Castiel knocked on the door, not wanting to poof in and invade the hunter’s personal space, “Are you all right?”  
“Yeah, Cas,” The hunter sighed and opened the door.  
“What is it, Sam?”  
“Give me your hand,” Sam requested.  
The angel held out his hand, which Sam grabbed and rested on his cheek. Castiel squinted and began to smile.  
“The warmth is back,” He said.  
Sam laughed. “It’s called love. Though, I don’t know how you could love someone like me.”  
Castiel tilted his head back. “Why wouldn’t I love you?”  
“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m the fucking devil’s vessel,” Sam answered, “It makes sense, my thoughts and my anger, I’m…pure evil.”  
“Don’t you dare say that!” The angel snapped, then was surprised at his own defensiveness.  
“Why not? It’s true.”  
“No,” Castiel said, “I can see your soul. I know that you are suffering. If you were ‘pure evil’, as you put it, you would kill anything, monster human or otherwise, without a second thought. You would have killed me already.”  
“The demon blood…”  
“Was not your fault,” Castiel interrupted, “Not entirely. I suspect your anger is not your own either.”  
Sam felt a lump in his throat. He began to cry, to sob, and couldn’t stop. The angel simply held him closely. 

When Dean got back, he was both shocked and furious to see Castiel spooning with Sam in bed. He shook the angel awake.  
“Get up,” He demanded quietly.  
Castiel wriggled out of Sam’s gentle grip and stood up.  
“So, what’s your plan, huh?” Dean asked, looking hurt.  
“What…”  
“Gonna break Sam’s heart?” Dean offered, “Make us trust you, get close to Sammy, and crush him. That was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”  
“Dean, I love Sam.”  
“Sure you do,” The older brother snapped, “First a demon, now an angel. Why can’t…why can’t you just leave him alone?”  
Sam opened his eyes and groaned, then panicked when he saw Dean.  
“Glad you’re awake, Sammy,” Dean greeted, “So, you want to tell me how long you’ve been dating Cas?”  
“Dating?” Sam raised an eyebrow.  
“Yeah. Dating.”  
“I mean, he told me he loved me just a few hours ago…”  
“What do you want with him?” The older brother asked the angel again, more desperately, “Why are you doing this? Are you…trying to make him hate angels or something? Trying to make Sammy bitter…so he’ll…so he’ll say yes? Were you EVER on our side?”  
“Of course I’m on your side,” Castiel answered, appalled that Dean would think such things, “Dean, I love Sam. I know you don’t believe that, and you have reason to be distrustful, but I love him. I have for a while. I would sooner kill myself than hurt him.”  
The older brother glared at him for a moment before speaking again.  
“Dammit!” He yelled, “I…Cas…you…please…Don’t hurt him, or I swear to god, you’ll regret it.”  
“Understood.”  
Dean was still furious, but he only whimpered.  
“Dean?” Sam asked.  
“What?”  
“Um…Cas’s vessel is a guy,” Sam answered.  
“So?”  
“So…you don’t care that…”  
“Sam, come on,” Dean said, “This isn’t the first thing you’ve kept from me.”  
“I’m sorry,” The younger brother said, “It’s just that I’m not one for labels. I loved Jess, I liked Madison, but, I also…”  
“You swing both ways,” Dean concluded.  
“Yeah.”  
“Well, it’s not as some of the other stuff,” Dean said, “I mean, it’s not bad at all. You know what I mean.”  
“Yeah,” Sam repeated, “Thanks, Dean.”  
The older brother flopped down on the empty bed. “No problem.”  
“Should I leave?” Castiel wondered.  
“I dunno,” Dean answered, “Sam?”  
“You can stay, Cas,” Sam said.


	2. Chapter 2

If Sam had learned anything from his time in Hell, it was understanding. Burned, tortured, unspeakable things even Dean couldn’t imagine. He understood that leaving Sam’s soul behind was an accident. More importantly, he understood why the angel broke Sam’s wall. Dean didn’t, however, as the older brother was too upset and hurt by the betrayal. Sam was hurt as well, in a different way, though he still believed in Cas. It hurt both of the brothers when Castiel stepped into the water, leaving only his trench coat. A trench coat which Sam stared at on a regular basis, as if the beloved angel would reappear at any moment to pick it up.  
Sam understood, as he was taunted by his insanity, why Castiel did what he had done. The desperation he felt to end the war in Heaven. How power hungry the angel had been, even before swallowing the souls. Sam worked with a demon as well, released Lucifer, just as Castiel worked with a demon and released the Leviathans.  
“If I ever get my hands on him…” Dean said.  
“Dean, stop.”  
“He said he wouldn’t hurt you!”  
“I know,” Sam said, “But, I forgive him.”  
“You do?”  
“He was desperate,” Sam answered, “I don’t…think he meant to do it. Just…in the moment. I…I still love him.”  
“He hurt you, Sam!”  
“I love Cas,” He said, “I just…love him.”  
Sam picked up the angel’s trench coat.  
“Come on, Sammy,” Hallucifer teased, “Cas is the whole reason I’m here. He forced you to remember. Remember all the fun we had?”  
“My wall would have broken eventually,” Sam said, ignoring the hallucination, “Better sooner than later.”

Castiel returned. He remembered what he’d done. The angel harmed the person he loved, someone he promised never to harm. If there was a Hell for angels, he’d send himself there. Not only that, but he betrayed his human friends, namely Dean, and killed hundreds of his own kind. Yep, angel Hell. All he could do was heal Sam, and hope the younger Winchester didn’t hate him.  
Sam and Dean had to leave Castiel behind. Though he was in good hands with Meg, Sam hated leaving the angel behind.  
“Is he going to be okay?” Sam worried in the car.  
“He should be fine.”  
“Should be?”  
Dean rolled his eyes. “He’ll be fine, Sammy. Trust me.”  
“Okay.”  
Sam leaned his head on his hand and closed his eyes.  
“Tired?” Dean joked.  
“Hmm,” Sam mumbled.  
Sam had nightmares, but at least the hallucinations were gone. He didn’t forget, didn’t think he’d ever forget.


	3. Chapter 3

Angels don’t break like humans do. At least, Castiel didn’t. He reverted to a child-like innocence that irritated everyone around him. Everyone but Sam, of course.   
“No one cares that you’re broken, Cas!” Dean yelled.  
Broken? The angel thought. He certainly didn’t expect an answer from Dean. Maybe, he thought, Sam would give him an answer. Sam seems nice enough. He approached the younger Winchester brother with caution.  
“Sam?”   
Sam turned and smiled. “Yeah, Cas?”  
“Am…am I broken?”  
The hunter squinted, and Castiel thought immediately that Sam would snap at him.  
“Oh…What Dean said…He was just upset,” Sam answered, “See…him and I…we’re under a lot of stress right now. See, when you…swallowed the souls from Purgatory, you got these creatures called Leviathans inside your body. You…walked into the ravine, and released them. Now they’re trying to kill everyone.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
Sam smiled. “You messed up,” He said, “But you came back, and you made it right. Now, you can help us stop the Leviathans. Will you do that?”  
“Yes,” Castiel said, “I would like to do that.”  
“Good.”


	4. Chapter 4

It was after Gadreel left Sam that he and Castiel really bonded again.  
“I love you,” Castiel whispered faintly, then said, “When I was human, I had a full range of emotions, including love. And…guilt.”  
“Guilt?”  
“Among other things,” Castiel said, “I love you, but I know that you could never love me to that extent again, and I do not deserve you.”  
“Are you kidding me?” Sam said, “You’re an ANGEL. I’m just some…human.”  
“Honestly, Sam, I don’t know,” The angel said, “I have never loved a human to this extent in all of my existence.”  
“What the hell makes me so special?” Sam asked desperately, “Why me? Why do you love me? How can you love me?”  
Castiel shook his head. “You don’t realize your worth,” He said, “How good you are, how strong, how selfless…You beat the devil. Do you realize how much strength that takes?”  
“Why did you take me out of Hell?”  
The angel squinted. “What kind of question is that?”  
“Just tell me.”  
“Because you didn’t belong there,” He answered, “I attempted to rescue you. Truly, I was unaware that I’d left your soul behind.”  
“And you think I don’t love you?”  
“When I took on your pain…your hallucinations, your memories told me every detail of the pit.”  
Sam winced, making Castiel tilt his head.  
“It still bothers you,” He figured.  
“Can’t talk about it with Dean,” Sam said, “I can barely describe it myself, Cas.”  
Sam whimpered, and Castiel hugged him tightly.  
“What you and Dean have done…I assure you that you will go to Heaven when this is all over.”  
The hunter held the angel close to him, and they kissed. It was a long time coming, and the both of them knew it.  
“I missed you, Cas.”  
“I missed you too, Sam.”  
The two barely made it to Sam’s room before they tore off each other’s clothes.  
“Cas, wait,” Sam stopped.  
“What is it?”  
“What about your vessel?”  
“Jimmy is in Heaven,” Castiel assured him, “I am the caretaker of this vessel.”

The first thing Dean heard upon returning to the bunker was a loud moan coming from Sam’s room. He smirked. Finally, his brother was getting some action, recovering from Amelia.  
“Oh god, Cas,” Sam muttered.  
“Son of a,” Dean became furious.  
He ran to Sam’s bedroom door and pounded on it.  
“Yeah?” Sam asked.  
“Sam, get your ass out here now!” He demanded.  
“Uh…kinda busy,” Sam answered, “Is it an emergency?”  
“You could say that.”  
Sam opened the door a moment later in his boxers.  
“Yeah, Dean?”  
“What’s going on?”  
“Uh, you know, just…stuff.”  
“Uh-huh,” Dean said, “Is Cas in there?”  
“Nope.”  
“Right,” The older brother said, “Cas, get over here!”  
Castiel appeared behind Sam, clothed.  
“Hello, Dean.”  
“Cas,” Dean clenched his teeth, “What are you doing with my brother?”  
“Dean…” Sam said.  
“Don’t even try to lie to me! I heard you in the hallway!”  
“Sam and I were…” Castiel began.  
“Yes, I know what you were doing!”  
“Then, why did you ask?”  
“I don’t know!” Dean yelled, “I mean…Sam, it’s Cas! Come on!”  
“He’s changed,” Sam said, “So have I. We all have. I love Cas.”  
“Cas, get out here,” Dean said.  
The angel appeared behind Dean. Sam took the opportunity to slip on some shorts and a shirt.  
“Yes, Dean.”  
The older brother grabbed Castiel and shoved him against the wall.   
“You son of a bitch!” He yelled.  
“Dean!” Sam exclaimed.  
“You stay out of this!” Dean demanded, “Cas, you hurt him!”  
“I know,” The angel said with regret, “And I’m sorry.”  
“Sorry?” Dean roared, “You said you wouldn’t hurt him! You FUCKING promised!”  
“Dean, stop!” Sam demanded as he separated the two, “I love Cas, and no amount of you beating the shit out of him is going to change that.”  
Dean sighed. “Cas, I forgive you,” He said, “I do. But…it’s Sam…my baby brother. I just…don’t want him to get hurt… to be broken again.”  
“It’s okay, Dean,” Castiel spoke, “I do understand. And Sam, though you have doubts, I love you, more than anything.”  
Sam only stared in disbelief.  
“It’s more than doubt,” Castiel read Sam’s emotions, “You feel unworthy of love of any kind, even of Dean’s.”  
“Sammy, is that true?”  
Sam didn’t answer.  
You have stopped eating,” Castiel said, and Sam wished he would shut up, “Even now, you hunger for food but refuse to eat.”  
“Sammy…”  
“Just…leave me alone,” Sam said, “What the hell does it matter? You don’t love me! You CAN’T love me! How could YOU…anyone…love something like me?”  
Sam ran back into his bedroom and slammed the door. Castiel couldn’t help but notice he’d said someTHING, rather than someONE. He and Dean followed Sam, who was crying on his bed. Castiel approached him.  
“What do you want?” Sam demanded.  
“What the hell happened to you?” Dean asked.  
“Hell, Dean,” Sam answered, “Hell happened to me.”  
Castiel grabbed Sam’s hand, which made him flinch.  
“Sam, I can’t begin to understand what happened to you down there,” Dean began.  
“No,” Sam agreed, “You can’t.”  
The angel wrapped his arm around the younger hunter and began to whisper words of comfort and encouragement. Sam rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder.  
“Sammy,” Dean squeaked.  
Sam didn’t listen, only heard the angel’s soft whispers and felt the gentle petting of his head.  
“I love you, Sam,” Castiel repeated.  
“Stop saying that,” Sam said.  
“It is true,” Castiel said, “I do not understand your lack of…self-worth.”  
The younger hunter began to sob.  
“I’m sorry,” He pleaded, “I’m trying, okay? I just…sometimes… I feel like no one cares.”  
“How could you think that?” Dean demanded.  
“I am the one who should be doubting your love, Sam,” Castiel said.  
“Why?”  
“I betrayed and hurt you.”  
“And I forgive you.”  
“Then your forgiveness is nearly limitless. It is one more quality that increases my love for you.”  
“I’m not going to stand in the way of your happiness, Sam,” Dean said, “You really love him?”  
Both the angel and Sam nodded.  
“Be good to him, Cas,” Dean said, “Same goes for you, Sam. Don’t hurt each other.”


End file.
